So alright.. LiveJournal ehh .. Totally new to this but the lovely HONEY got me interested. Its pretty cool how you can come and type your life down in an electronical journal.. so strange technology nowadays. I have like 18 years to catch up on haha where do I start?!
So just recently ive come to realize that myself as a person in general has changed..My views on things, my personality, the way I look at people now, Friends, Love, family, it's been a serious wake up call for myself. It has taken a certain experience to help me become who I am now... A year ago i was in a situation in which no girl should be in when it comes to boyfriends. Don't get me wrong i absolutely loved him truely, but you dont treat a girl the way i was treated. My first love, that teenage love where you think everyday that your gunna marry this person , where you start thinking of your kids names and how many dogs your gunna have, the person whose kisses never get old, the person who you think about the second you wake up and the last person on your mind before falling asleep. At that time you think everythings just PERFECT. Then reality comes crashing down on you, and the next thing you know the one you thought was your soul mate is cheating on you, he's lieing to you and pretty much just using you for your car and rides, all that good stuff. It took me soo long to come to realization that I was killing myself by staying with him.. I just looked past all of his problems and issues, i was in denial, i kept telling myself, he LOVES me he tells me all the time he truely does, i cant live without him, i was really close to loosing my best friends because of this boy, because i was in such denial that i was just shunning off my best friends advice, they were just trying to help. They were worried about me. We broke up. Because i hugged a guy ((BULLSHIT)) >>
::JEALOUSY!!! SERIOUS ISSUE IN RELATIONSHIPS:: << This breakup was the most devistating situation in my life, i had been with him for a year and a half without breaking up.. we were off and on for THREE YEARS .. holy crap! .. I was too the stage where i would cry myself to sleep everynight, dry heaving over the bathroom sink..just like that song by Megan Rochelle "Let Go"
" as much as you hurt me , why am i holdin on, why do i feel the need when i know i should just let go"
" Im so tired of being over the sink sayin i just can't take no more"
It was terrible, after a good 4 months i slowly started snapping out of it and started growing into my normal self, from this point on in time i was very vulnerable, i would lash out at boys because i could, i was very cautious yet dated a lot of boys after, i couldn't kiss anyone without feeling it was disgusting, im a very touchy feely type person yet i didn't want a boys hand on me, i was soo weirded out at the fact of having a "new" boyfriend, it was difficult. I really didn't have a serious relationship for the rest of my junior year, i was kind of a bitch when it came to dating boys as well, from going to a girlfriend who was walked all over to me walking all over boys, i turned into a different type of girlfriend and i never thought i would snap out of it, i really rely on my boyfriends, i need that support from them, i get attached VERY quickly, it does suck at times, i feel like i need that "love" to keep going and succeeding. weird. It wasn't untill the second weekend of summer till i found that one guy who would help me cope with my issues.
The 2nd weekend in summer, Chris Simonian's mom's house , at that time she lived right around the corner from me. I was good friends with Chris Simonian and his brother Max, Chris Rogers, and Roman. They were and still are my good buddies. Some how i happened to end up there that night with my best friend Chantelle. There was the usually beer pong goin on, lots of good friends and people i didn't know from the 07' class, a good time! After a few beers, earlier that night i said to Chantelle, "Wow whose that guy over there with Shane Butler?! He's damnn cute!!!" it was no other than Ian Rollf. So Chantelle decides to take her good friend Ian into the other room to catch up and talk about his upcoming year in college in Santa Barbara. I just so happen to walk into the same room they were in, it was soo cute, Chantelle, Myself and Ian being a little buzzed, she leans over to Ian and "tries" keyword tries to whisper, and says, " Hey Ian thats my friend Bernie, she thinks your pretty cute do you think shes cute?" I can hear word for word what shes saying of course, and he replies, "yea shes real cute!" So then of course the best friend Chantelle is grabs my arms and throws me down next to Ian on this bed and leaves the room, shutting the blinds that were conveying a door.. soo there i was sitting next to this guy that i once hated because Chantelle hated him for who knows what reason, just thought i was being a good friend for hating a guy she hated haha .. weird.. but that hate had dissapeared and was long forgotten, i remember being really nervous for some reason, sweaty palms and everything, his eyes were GORGEOUS! couldn't stop gazzing into them, his lips so sweet with the best smile ever, he was so cute just sitting there next to me he giggled a little and asked how my night was going, i said really good yours? and he said good. I said your doing pretty good at beer pong too , you and shane have been really kicking ass, and he said yea im the champ and smiled, SUPER CUTE! At that point i couldn't resist anymore, both of us just looking into each others eyes i grabbed his face started kissing him , the nicest sweetest sensual kiss ever! So PERFECT.. I remember thinking to myself how nice it was yet, how random i had just met this kid and now we were slopping saliva with our tounges haha.. That night was amazing, we couldn't walk by each other without that little touch on the arm or the waist the leg the thigh, anywhere!.. He asked me to sleep in his car with him.. haha i know HIS CAR.. it's a nice white 4runner comfy, i just so happened to have large warm blankets in my car that we used to keep ourselves warm , although the body heat was enough. I was really nervous yet again, i sometimes found myself speechless when talking to him, just flabbergasted, had no idea what i was doing. We spent the night in his car, messing around with each other, and falling asleep cuddling, waking up in his arms was the best feeling in the world, i hadn't felt that way in a long time, since the beginning of my year and a half long relationship. it was amazing. I got his number in the morning we kissed goodbye, just as good as the first time, and he told me that he'd call me later on in the day. I was amazed.. i was hesitant at first worried i was gunna get my hopes up for this guy, when maybe all he wanted was a hook up for the weekend. Really got to me. I went home thinking about him all day and when he was gunna call, if he was gunna call, replaying our kiss over and over and over again in my head smiling ear to ear, it hurt to smile after a while. He called, around 6, of course like any girl , you wait a couple rings, think to yourself should i let him leave a voicemail and call him back , should i answer, how should i answer? what do i say?! Girls are funnny.! I answered, he asked if i was going to Chris' again for some more pong, cause he said he was, OF COURSE I WAS GUNNA GO NOW! ahh.. I played it off smooth, " yea maybe, we'll see" haha.. smacking myself in the head after every sentence, feeling stupid! haha.. So of course i call up Chantelle and she comes over, we pick out the best outfits to look SUPER cute, and head over to Chris' I saw his 4runner in the driveway fixed myself up a bit before going inside. When i walked in i looked at him and say this big smile come across his face, i knew he was happy to see me, and i was really happy to see him. That night was amazing again , stayed the night in his car again. So much fun, i felt so relieved, i was having fun again with a guy, Ian was completely different then any other guy i had dated after my big break up. He was smart, older, fun, athletic, energetic, kinda shy, just an all around good guy. He was fit for me! He was total oppisite of all the bad things. I couldn't believe it. A couple days later Ian had called and asked if i wanted to go watch a movie, he was gunna pick me up from my house. A date , and actual DATE together!! We saw Transformers , great movie!! ALso,It was super awesome because Areina was dating Shane, Ian's best friend, Areina mine, DOUBLE DATES! good times! We went out again this time with Shane, Areina, Aaron, Kyle P.We held hands and acted like a couple. Every second i was with Ian i was falling for him more and more... we'd been hanging out for a while, when i think he thought i was getting too attached, at this time, it reminded him of his previous relationship with a girl who broke his heart. It was soo interesting because we both had been in the same situation, we'd fallen in love for the first time and laid our hearts on our sleve for this person and then they just go and break it. We both were devastated. I believe that Ian felt he was getting too attached too and thought it might end up like before, which you know i dont blame him, who wouldn't be worried if something so hurtful had happened. He told me , we should just be friends and stop hooking up and things like that, i cried, of course the emotional person i am, cried.. lol . The next weekend, we were hooking up again, his words went out his mouth and into space because neither of us listened to it, its like we couldn't get enough of each other, there was nothing to stop us from being together. Ian and i became really close throughout the summer, we learned a lot about each other and grew from one another.. I lost my best friend Chantelle because she believed i was different around Ian and his friends.. i guess i could have been just never realized it, but really, Ian changed me for the better, i dont believe that i was any different around him. So i lost Chantelle, which was rough, but thank god i had Ian there for me, and he was truely there for me, he had my back and gave me advice. I also had Areina and Amy Rich.. LIFESAVERS! haha.. so yes college, SANTA BARBARA CITY COLLEGE.. the word i dreaded to hear as the countdown began in the end of summer.. The most memorable night i will ever have with Ian was 2 days before he left for college.. Areina and I secretly had been working on scrapbooks for Ian and Shane, they took DAYS! .. a whole bunch of pictures taken over the summer, and for areina over the year with shane,.. each page had a theme it's been my biggest accomplishment! i was soo proud of myself lol.. So Areina and I decided we wanted to give them their scrapbooks in a special way, So we made up a scavenger hunt for them.. We started at Areina's house with a note on the door and a ryme which was a clue to the next ryme.. they went from areina's house to their work at lakeland village, to off the hook sushi to the final destination kiva beach. Areina and I were hustling!! she wasn't even finished with his book , she was doing it in the car, we had to rush and put the signs up and they were truely on our ass'.. we got to kiva, and we set up blankets on the beach with a bunch of candles all over the sand and we got sushi and cooked them soup , steaks, salad, potatoes...and we made chocolate covered strawberries.. it was amazing!! they were SOOOOOOO surprised and happy with us, they thought it was soo thoughtful and really impressed. We sat in the sand with each other in the sunset and ate our dinner.. sushi is all of our favorites!.. then we ate dessert and gave them their scrapbooks around a fire that shane built, we went through each page , just talking about the pictures and all the memories! it was amazing! under the stars wrapped up in blankets together..Ian really liked his, i could tell, he gave me the best kiss and thanked me..the joy he had was priceless, i can't even explain.. it brings tears to my eyes.. After we finished with the books we heard noises and got freaked so we packed up and went to areina's at this point it was like 9 at night but we decided we wanted to walk in the meadow across the street from her house, Ian and I walked in front of Shane and Areina, our arms wrapped around each other, we got to talking about things we never discussed before, his family, my family, stories from when we were little kids, bruises, nightmares...there wasn't a dull moment.. at times a sniffle from our runny noses because it was soo cold outside. We walked sooo far we got all the way to the lake which is kinda by reagan beach.. I ran out onto the dock and told Ian to follow, we sat at the end looking up at the stars and the moon dangling our feet off the edge, just laying in his arms... i couldn't ask for anything more! Our nice moment was ruined by the howeling of coyotees.. haha we were both scared for Areina and Shane cause we hadn't seen or heard them in a while! so we ran back to find them.. all four of us walked back to areina's REALLY fast.. without looking back! creepppyyyyy.. hehe.. when we got to areina's Ian and I bundled up under a blanket on one couch and Shane and Areina on the other and we watched Night at the Museum, we all fell asleep in the arms of one another... What better night could you ask for?.. there's not one possible! The next day reality hit, he was leaving, leaving for college.. I met Ian at my work which was Lake Tahoe Golf Course, to say our goodbyes, he still had a little time left so i ran some errands with him , it was such a bizzare last hour, every song that came on the radio was one of our songs! I of course >>emotional me<< would cry in each of them..he just held my hand and would wipe away my tears and smile at me. When we got back to the golf course to say our final goodbyes, it would be a couple months till i saw him, i just broke down, i was balling, this was the first time that i truely cried hard in front of him, and i wasn't embarassed or anything, he held me and again wiped my tears away smiled at me , kissed me on the forehead >>best place to be kissed<<.. On the very last page of his scrapbook i wrote him a letter, i didn't put it in there till that moment in the car because i wanted him to read it right before he left town, i really wanted to tell him everything i wrote down in person but the timing was bad..it says everything, all my feelings, I didn't tell him what it said cause he asked all i said was , " Its my heart given to you on paper"// He was shocked.. we kissed our last kiss and i got out, slowly, kissed him again ran to his side of the car and kissed him some more, it was going to be very hard. At this point in time, we really didn't have a label, we'd been together the whole summer..yet didn't say we were dating or anything.. all i know is that i wanted to say I LOVE YOU to him at that very minute, i dont know what stopped me.. Im not one to take those 3 words lightly, you only say it when you mean it, and i only say it when i mean it, thats a fact! After my break up i knew that the next time i said I love you to someone, it was going to be true, and it was going to be real and passionate and LOVE.. I didn't get to say it, i had written it down on that paper in his book though.. He drove off... He left.. Gone for 2 months.. To a new city and new life...500 miles 8 hours away.. my heart fell to the ground as did I and sat there and cried, i couldn't understand why i was hurting soo bad, i was crushed like we'd broken up.. like derek jeter died >>TERRIBLE<<.. i knew i loved him i knew thats what it was.. awfull enough i had to go into work right then blotchy red puffy eyes and all.. I went home that night and wrote him a message saying Ian i should have said it before you left, but I LOVE YOU .. and he wrote back .. i know lol I LOVE YOU TOO .. it was amazing.. although in a message and not verbally, it was still amazing to read it, i felt it, i felt he ment it. The first couple months was rough, we ended what we had, i mean freshman in college, you need to experience for a while, that was tough on me , but then he came back.. the first time i'd seen him since we ended things.. Homecoming..id asked him to the dance days before..he was unsure and replied no...oh well.. i remember seeing him walk down the steps on the bleachers at the game.. i got butterflies, i was soo excited! i ran up and hugged him , it was weird, felt weird, he said we'd talk at half time, we did.. he came up to me, we talked, and caught up and sat next to each other the rest of the game, i walked him to his car, gosh i missed him soo much, we just hugged each other for a few minutes it felt sooo good to just be held in his arms again, I really really missed him.. we didn't want to let go. We let go and he told me to have a fun time at the dance and asked me to call him after it was over. Of course i couldn't wait for that moment the dance ended. It was fun yet boring at the same time! Wore a cute dress though! After the dance Chantelle Amy and I went to Chris Simonians house.. Areina showed up too with Shane.. Beezzy didn't go to the dance.! But Ian was at Chris'. everyone asked how the dance was, i just said it was alright no big deal! Ian leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, " I regret not going to the dance with you" That ment so much to me, at the same time i was pissed, like wtf ya know lol .. it was nice though good to hear.. Things were alright with me and him, we slept together again, in his arms, his body all close nice and warm, it was amazing!.. I didn't know what this ment, he was going back to Santa Barbara the next day.. I had to work at the cafe, and he was nice enough to come say bye to me, ment a lot, he looked so cute , all scrungy, just woke up his hair all messy.. sooo cute!.. he left again him and aaron drove back to college..sucky AGAIN!..most people cant understand the feeling of that person they love leaving you like so many times, they just dont get it unless your in like my shoes.. HONEY she understands.. so does AREINA ..both understand, its HARD... very .. Ian and I kept in touch which was good, we would write on facebook , and text a lot , a phone call here and there, i felt a little too much at times, like i was annoying him, so i backed off for a while, i didn't want to push him away even as a friend.. i was depressed i really missed having him there when i needed someone. The next time i saw him was thanksgiving.. He was up here for a week or so, we hung out A LOT! soo much. i was a little upset because i felt that he didn't want to get close, like he was afraid. Who knows, we haven't really talked about his "ex" , so i truely cant understand him in certain aspects. We were "together" when he was here for thanksgiving.. no true definition for being together with someone, but thats what we were lol.. He left AGAIN back to school , but this time i didn't have to wait very long for him to come back.. before he came up .. we were talking one night and he before we got off the phone he said bernie.. ::paused:: I LOVE YOU..:: i was soo shocked and speechless, i started crying and said I LOVE YOU back.. he giggled and said bye..i was at areina's we were watching the notebook and eating ice cream being sappy depressed girls.. it was perfect timing!!! such an amazing feeling when you hear those 3 words and you know they mean it... it was SOO NICE!!he came back dec15 for a month and a half, he didn't leave till jan 27th. we hung out everyday, saw every movie in theaters together, ate out the whole sushi bar haha, cuddled in my bed, watched movies at my house.. i did leave for new york on dec. 27 till jan 3rd soo that was some time away from each other, but it was nice this time because in a way Ian got to feel how i feel when he's at college, him being in his home town with me being far away.. across the country haha.. I could tell he missed me, and i missed him too, we talked almost everyday.. usually texted at night till we fell asleep, with me being 3 hours ahead it was hard for me.. 4 in the morning to 1 in the morning in tahoe.. pretty hard! haha.. My birthday's new years eve, and we had talked that morning, he didn't say happy birthday to me , i was truely upset.. i told him since i was 3 hours ahead i'd call when it was midnight in new york when the ball dropped and wish him a happy new years with a phone kiss.. i did, but my phone died right after i called.. i got to get in happy new years i love you .. muah..i called when i got back to my aunts house which was 5 am new york time and 2 tahoe time, he was at some weiner party lol.. i asked him why he didn't say happy birthday to me, i thought he forgot.. he said he wanted to make it special and say happy birthday i love you and happy new years all at the same time at 12.. he's soo sweet!.. he likes to see me smile i think and make me happy. the next night i was really curious as to what we were.. so i texted him and said Ian what am I to you?.. and he said, " well your my girl." like what? .. your girlFRIEND.. haha.. and he said, " Yea your my girl, i consider you my girlfriend" , FINALLY a label lol , an answer! it was amazing to finally know. Im the type that likes to change my facebook and myspace right away from single to IN A RELATIONSHIP.. yet i didn't lol .. not sure why not.. I got back to tahoe and was soo happy to see him, i gave him the biggest hug when he came to my door, kissed him reapetedly. It was soo good to just feel him and smell him, he always smells soo good, like vanilla my favorite smell ever! When i got back, it was like we were dating for a year, we were inseperable, together everyday! right after i got out of school till late at night, never wanting to go home.. we spent that time together just the 2 of us, we grew soo close, and are so close now, that break was so helpful for the both of us, it truely made our relationship stronger and kind of answered a lot of questions. We were dating actual boyfriend girlfriend.. without the label haha.. Ian and I spent the whole day and night together the day before he left, we went to a movie and then came back to my house and just messed around and cuddled with each other, it was amazing. I love him, i truely do!.. he left back to school...tears*.. I wouldn't see him till the first week in April. their spring break. Jan-April is such a longggg time!!! so my dearest friend honey and I took a trip down to santa barbara to visit him in his new home turf feb 15th the day after valentines day. we took a 12 hour train ride down there.. which was awesome, honey and i talked and we got to know each other more, even though we'd hung out since we were little girls lol .. it was so nice, its so true we do have a lot in common like finishing each others sentences, its nice to share your feelings with someone who feels the same and knows what your talking about and isn't just saying yea uh huh right.. it was true conversation. we got down there and Ian was awesome, joey and him picked honey and I up from the train station, it was soo nice, Ian was driving so i couldn't rape him in the car on the way back to their dorm lol.. but we did hold hands and look over and smile at one another ever so often. When we got back to tropicana their dorm place, i got a tour and we just talked.. i gave Ian his gift.. something he needed for a while now.. a new nano iPod.. he was shocked and really happy, he appreciated it! I got a good thank you gift later that night ; ) hehe.. the weekend went by sooooo fast yet i had soo much fun with him, its like nothing changed between us, boyfriend girlfriend<3 it was amazing! He said I love you to me before we boarded the train to go home, it ment a lot, honey and i waved to them from the inside as we drove away and i just broke down, cried for a while , it was nice to have honey to console me! she understands! im still upset , ive been home a week and i miss him terribly..
So i wrote this entry because I just want everyone to know that there are guys/girls out there that will make you happy when your feeling at the lowest. I wrote on his paper for his scrapbook that....He and I were ment to meet each other for a certain reason, im a BIG believer that things happen for a reason.. and we met each other for a reason, it was because we were both soo crushed by our previous relationship so we met to prove to one another that there is that other person who will have your back and treat you the way you should be treated, that person that will love you with true passion and true from the heart love, that person that means everything to you and vise versa. Ian is such an amazing guy to me, he treats me with respect, and understands my problems, he would hold me for hours if i asked him to , i could cry in his arms forever and he wouldn't mind what so ever. every girl has a dream guy, that perfect guy that they pick out, they have to have certain characteristics to fit their type, Ian fits mine and more.. He is my TRUE LOVE!
So.. for my first entry wow, i got a little carried away haha.. but i do LOVE to write.. It's amazing and it feels good to just let it all out! ,...YAY TO LIVEJOURNAL!! yay to honey for introducing it to me!!! love her soo much!!!
These lyrics are for Ian:
Closed off from love i didn't need the pain,once or twice was enough and it was all in vain,
time starts to pass, before you know it your frozen, but something happened for the very first time with you
my heart melted to the ground found something true, and everyone's lookin' around thinking im goin' crazy
but I dont care what they say im in LOVE with you, they try to pull me away, but they dont know the truth, my hearts
crippled by the vein that I keep on closing, you cut me open and I
Keep Bleeding, Keep keep Bleeding Love
I Keep Bleeding
Keep Keep Bleeding Love
I Keep Bleeding
Keep Keep Bleeding Love
You Cut Me Open
Tryin' Hard Not To Hear But They Talk So Loud
Their Piercing Sounds Fill My Ears, Try To Fill Me With Doubt
Yet I Know That The Goal Is To Keep Me From Falling
But Nothings Greater Than The Rush That Comes With Your Embrace
And In This World Of Lonliness I See Your Face
Yet Everyone Around Me Thinks That Im Going Crazy , Maybe, Maybe
Keep Bleeding
Keep Keep Bleeding Love
I Keep Bleeding
I Keep Keep Bleeding Love
Keep Bleeding
Keep Keep Bleeding Love
You Cut Me Open And I
And Its Draining All Of Me
And They Find It Hard To Believe
Ill Be Wearing These Scars For Everyone To See
:: I Dont Care What They Say Im In Love With You
They Try To Pull Me Away, But They Dont Know The Truth
My Hearts Crippled By The Vein That I Keep On Closing
You Cut Me Open And I ... ::<3
Keep Bleeding...
Keep Keep Bleeding
<3 L.O.V.E.
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loved
contemplative